June Brides August Babies and December Divorces

Well, here it is, almost June, and the Bridezillas have come out of hibernation. You've seen them, not only on TV, but on city streets, rural communities and everywhere else in between. Stressed out women beating a path to find the "perfect" dress, the perfect cake, the perfect way to spend a fortune on something that will only last One (1) day. One completely stressed out day in which something will inevitably go wrong and will "ruin" the wedding forevermore. One of myy favorite memories of some of those weddings that I had to attend were where my father and the Groom's Uncle duked it out at the reception, and all you could see were two white tuxedos rolling around on the floor.

Perhaps it is the pomp and circumstance of the whole "forever" ideal which never really sinks in until we are driving off into the sunset, that drives us into a frenzy and turns us into rabid dogs fighting over a bone. The Wedding Day is just that, one day out of the very many you are planning to share with the one you love. One day where all the money you spent can be seen for the first time put together oh, so lovely, and to think it will all be over so quickly after so much planning. That one day will hold the memories of the obnoxious photographer who  took thousands of photos that will be entombed in massive photo albums that people really don't want to look at (let's all be honest!), a piece of freezer burnt wedding cake, the champagne flutes that will only collect dust and the many unwanted gifts that you are secretly regifting to some unsuspecting schmuck.  "Why?"

This is not a knock at marriage. I adore marriage, most days, and hey, I am not opposed to marriage, it is the perfect formula when you want to have children. In reality, children need both parents. It is proven that both parents in the home ( a normal, loving, home) do better academically, psychologically and socially. Yeah, but I'm not here to tell the story of "Marriage First, then Children". I want to talk about boy meets girl, girl ropes boy and then WHAM! The Cinderella Barbie comes out and crushes Ken and her parents in the grip of "I better get the Perfect Wedding, or else!"

In the past, long, long ago, marriage was arranged, mostly at the cradle, and you didn't know what oaf or oafette you were going to marry until you were in your early teens. This act was usually a pact between parents for land, political power, wealth, etc. It was for-ever, there were no divorces, a man could beat his wife as he is on his way out the door to visit a prositute and  have all the fun he wanted outside marriage, while the dutiful wife, who was taught that sex was something to endure,  was supposed to stay chastely at home. Of course, thanks to the History Channel and its series:The History of Sex, we know why she didn't mind staying at home. If you haven't seen this you really need to!

Okay, so back to forever. When you discount death by disease and sickness, death during childbirth, freak accidents, acts of God, war, and so on; the life expectancy was what, 35? You were old at 35?! In any case, it wasn't some sick, twisted pervert who wanted to watch live kiddie porn ( yes, the whole family watched, and I am not saying there wasn't the odd pervert here and there.) it was because the life expectancy was different.

Somehow, thank the saints, we moved away from this attitude and it became acceptable to pick your own mate. So we move into the era of Boy meets Girl and then a few dates and kisses, then it's marriage time, sometimes it was because they HAD to * wink wink*. Ok, in all honesty I have been to a wedding that was depicted as a "shotgun wedding" however it was only for the novelty of it. There still weren't a lot of divorces, but monogamy was in style and the dream of happily ever after was alive and well.

Then we started living longer... much longer. Our life expectancy is 40 years more than the old age at 35 of past history, so this brings me to the question: Are we REALLY meant to be together forever? I mean, forever is a long, long time. If the Mormons are right, as they seal themselves together in death so they can be together again, you will never be rid of the ball and chain you married! I know that sounds mean, but when you look beyond Cinderella's Perfect Wedding, and the Honeymoon is over phase, which inevitably it will be, the future looks really cloudy, grim, actually. I mean if you are in true love forever and ever with your spouse and your spouse with you, then hey, good times for all concerned, but if you are the other 99% of the population...what does a 75th Wedding Anniversary mean for you?

Our Society dictates that we must have what we want right now. No thought of repercussion or if is right, in our best interest, or anything resembling maturity..hello..got deficit? In our modern times marriage is as easy as changing a diaper... disposable. As the Honeymoon Phase begins to wane and you are fighting over finances, his friends and family, her crowding him out of the closet and medicine cabinet, the Mother-in-Law, and so on. We begin to lose sight of why we married in the first place. If we just took a step back at this very moment we would still find it and form a very solid foundation, but, nope, it is better to be the one who is right or the one who is the victim. So, for those who were smart enough in the beginning to have figured this out, then yay! You have a solid marriage. But, lets face it, most of us don't fall into that category.

When the feelings are changing and the mood staticky we begin to look at our spouse and they at us and we see this person with habits that were once endearing now become grating, eventually the rut becomes deeper and monotony sets in then our lives slip in to one big routine. She can't stand his belching and farting and he becomes disenchanted by the fact that women also belch and fart and do, in fact, have a bowel movement. He spends more time with his friends to escape and she bitches to her girlfriends and him about how mistreated she is. The things that brought them together are now things of the past. There is no longer the fun fishing and camping trips that she pretended to like and there is no more opening doors and treating her like a Princess that he did when they were dating. Fester, Fester, Fester.

This is where most people bail out. Fact: Most marriages end 18 months after the Wedding. Another fact is that people try to solve the problem by having a baby. BIG MISTAKE! Rocky Marriage means: Just say "No" to the "Baby on Board" window decal! Of course, it happens this way, because for some reason when things are going rough we are driven by the need to celebrate something, even if that something is just adding gasoline to the fire. When the marriage is rocky, it's time to spice things up by getting pregnant and having a celebration for the upcoming event. The Bridezilla is put to rest and then the Momzilla comes out... (Jon and Kate plus 8 ring a bell? Who in their right mind would be married to such an awful woman?) oh, by the way, only baby Gucci, Prada and Gap, please.

This life changing event, which most people don't realize until AFTER the birth, tends to clam the marriage down for awhile. But soon, hubby becomes jealous of the smelly little bundle of colic. Mama spends all her time with the baby, usually having a permanent "headache" from here until the next conception, so he busies himself with friends, staying away as much as possible, trying to get back to the "good 'ol days" with his buddies and then gets yelled at because he isn't "spending time" at home. She needs a break and he is unwilling to take the baby, the house has gone to hell, she has let herself go up 5 dress sizes and doesn't even bother to shower or fix her hair anymore. Yet another cycle begins. But, it is true that most of us are all so guilty, we keep having more babies! Don't get me wrong, I love my children very much! I truly wouldn't trade them for anything, but it has been a very long, hard road and a whole hell of a lot of juggling and two marriages.

The next phases are Soccer Momzillas in thier Escalades, PTAzillas which is more of an elite clique than anything to do with education, Cheerzillas are the worst moms to deal with, and any other activity the children do that the mom is involved with. As the children grow into adulthood she is then crowned as the Monster-in-Law from hell and is just as disliked as her mother-in-law was, an truly, she has earned it.

So, throughout this whole phase of life, let's just say 20 years from "I Do" to Graduation day and kicking the kid off to college, where did the marriage go? On that 20th Wedding Anniversary, will the couple be looking into eachothers eyes and feeling the love that started the whole thing, or will they placate family and friends withthe pretend smiles and the loose arms over the shoulders, the one I deem "The Act"

"The Act" is put into play during that whole 20 year cycle. It is the act of phoniness we portray to others after we have had a huge argument and Uncle Jim decides to just stop by. It comes into play after the argument in the car to a Christmas Party. "The Act" becomes so normal that we slip into it so easily and there is some danger in it, because if you never learn to drop "the Act" then you are never being honest with yourself or your spouse. If you have ever seen the comedy show "In Living Color" that was so popular in the early 90's then you know what I'm talking about. The old couple has been married a long time and it gets to the point where they are nearly killing eachother when a family member comes to visit and they act very lovingly towards one another and say "Still together after all these years."

I have a very dear friendwho is getting married this weekend, amazing that I am 40 and a first time Maid of Honor even though I am far from being a Maiden. I love her to pieces. truly, I do, but this is marriage number 5. She never quit chasing the dream. I would have after the 2nd one. Yet, her road has been so rocky and fraughtwith many battles and on again off again to get to the altar that I hope she will just buck up, learn to get through the rough patches and tough it out after the 18 Month calendar mark of doom. That's the problem, she, like so many other people I know, and you know, don't really think it through all the way to forever.

Number one: we are never to blame for the marriage taking a nose dive (yeah, right, this our natural instinct at self preservation which keeps us from accepting any responsibility. This attitude is prevelant in every area in human society today and is the core of what is so very wrong with the human race), "I did all I could",( which meant we gave as little as we could give and took in a very big way with no compromise), "I tried to talk about it "( another little deceit usually meaning that we demanded and threw ultimatums at our spouse and turned the tables and words around to look like the victim). "I tried counseling" ( Uh Huh, and did you go one time with the attitude that you were so wronged that the counselor would take your side and help you berate your spouse and when it didn't work you never went back?)

We all thought my parents had the perfect marriage. They lasted almost 40 years, until we found out that my dad was married to someone else for 5 of the last 40 years. Of course, this didn't go over too well and really did cause the division of my family. My mom and I discuss this, and I truly feel it lasted as long as it did because my dad was gone for so many of those years. First he was in the Army, then the Navy and did a tour in Vietnam, The Army Corps. of Engineers and when he finally settled into a "9 to 5" it was on an army base which would TDY him out for sometimes as long as a tour of duty in the service. After early retirement from the government he decided to be a long haul truck driver. Needless to say, mom rarely saw him and when they met up it was like old times, it was like the beginning.

Most everyone I know, including myself, is on the second marriage. My oldest brother went through his midlife crisis, divorced his wife, got a lil young thing broke up with her and remarried his first wife, my next brother is on #3 andis more miserable than #1. I have a friend who has been married for 18 years, they seem okay although a little tired and every now and again you can see a glimpse of something in their eyes, something like what could have been. I have an Aunt who used to be so full of dreams, she was as beautiful and willowy as a fairy princess, who has stayed in a loveless marriage and become bitter and depressed. Out of fear? Stubbornness? the "I'm too old" syndrome? I cannot say, but it is sad.

On the flip side, my mother-in-law lost her husband early and never remarried or even dated. My brother-in-law put career first and is still not married and probably never will be, an uncle on the same side, never married and he just retired. My mom, after being divorced for 9 years is still very soured on love and taking care of someone who doesn't appreciate it dated for awhile but got tired of every guy getting too serious. I have a Great Aunt who finally gave up after 4 times. No matter what the case or cause, they all have something in common, they are all very lonely.

Now you see why I am asking the great question. Are we meant to be together forever or are we just supposed to leave while its still on a good note? In my experience with love I can honestly say that I don't really know if I believe in true love. True love, in my perception, is pure and without flaw. It is still loving without expectation or the need to change the person to whom it is directed at. It is much like that of a loyal dog. I haven't seen any proof of this existence, it is as obscure and as rarely seen as Big Foot. And Soul Mates... that is far more fanciful than the existence of Big Foot. We could live how many lifetimes before, if ever, we met our true soul mate? But if these beliefs are what make us believe and stay hopeful, then I say, "So be it".

I do know that I do believe in love, but it is more of an acceptance. I accept love for as long as it will last. I will cherish it, nurture it and cultivate it but I will try not to change it, mold it, or make it into something that it is not. I will give it freely and without expectation, but when it is over, then it is over. Perhaps this is not the most healthy attitude to have about it but I don't hear any other better ideas.

I wish I knew the answers, I wish I could say that in 20 more years I will be as in love with the one I'm with as I was 20 years before but it is the space in time and how we interact with one another, how we grow and learn to solve our problems that will tip the balance, as it will be for him. I can only hope that we will not be like so many others who feel that they have settled, or are no longer in love. I don't want that, I don't think anyone does.

So, there it is now, floating out in cyber space for all to read, contemplate and, perhaps, even answer. But,for now, June is fast approaching, so come on all you Bridezilla's repeat the cycle for another generation! Keep us entertained.